Watch, Realize, Share

We are thirsty so we drink. Once we drink the need is gone.
So with God we find a need for Him. But God can both fade, and never end as a need. It is up to us whether we become dis-interested in drinking because we are no longer thirsty or whether we reflect why we were thirsty to begin with.

I often wonder why God has made me the way I am. I also wonder what is apart of me that God didn’t create.

I mean like bad habits that are not apart of my true self (who God created me to be.)

For me this is an interesting thought, especially when I make big decisions in life, or gut reactions. Is my impulsiveness of God? On one hand I feel God tell me “count to ten, do your really need to buy that.” Which implies to me that sometimes my impulsiveness leads to wasting money.
But on the other hand my impulsiveness allows me to let go of myself in a moment and follows the spirit of God wherever it may take me.

It is interesting that the trait God gave us can be used for His glory but also in a negative way.

My passion is another, and once again I believe my passion is something that has been given to me from God. But sometimes/all the time I have a strong opinion on how things should be done. My passion is linked to my faith, that my God can do anything, and through Him we can do all things.
Sometimes my passion is used in a way that is so fiery and upfront that it comes across aggressive and confronting. Other times it is week calculated, well presented and allows for discussion.

Once again, perhaps the gifts and traits that God has given us can be used in positive and negative ways.

Welcome to my brain.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have God.
It scares me where I was heading, it was a path of serious unhappiness, I constantly felt hollow and ashamed.

I also wonder whether I am fully grabbing hold of all God has to offer for my life. Am I coasting through my walk with God like I did with school? Is a C grade enough?

It’s time for me to say no to my laziness and to go all in. Look out audacious faith here I come.

It’s an interesting place that im in. But there is a beauty in making mistakes. Normally my mistakes are frequent and painful. But I see beauty.  The devil is crafty in my life. He uses my heart for God against me, and I am weak and let him.  My past was full of sexual things, and some of those desires still rule my life. I am ashamed to say I still masterbate. There was a time when I was really on top of it, almost 6 months. Then one bad morning and it was all over, fell right into the trap, and ive been trying to get out ever since.  I actually feel myself getting more trapped than free. Everytime something great happens at church school or at uni I get smashed with temptation, and become more trapped after feeling a little bit more free.  My dreams were my downfall. They are perverted and sexual. I wake up feeling ashamed and aroused. That leads to a sinful morning and a bad day.  So I tried to prevent sleep. That didnt work, id be tired all day and have no will to stop temtation flooding my mind. I’d fall into sin anyway.  So I tried drinking. I found that alcohol blurred my dreams and I would wake up with a head ache not and urge to sin.  Except now that has escalated. From the occasional drink, to last night where I had over 15. Stumbling around my room like an idiot. I slept well. Decent sized headache. But I was so ashamed at last night and how I got drunk by myself that I ended up falling into sin anyway.  By trying to cut out a sin, I have now added a new one.  So now I am removing alcohol from my bedroom. Im not giving it away, nor am I drinking it. Im pouring it into the earth. Because it cannot remove my sexual sin. It promised so much and fell short.  You were right, those of you who were slightly concerned. I was wrong. But there is such beauty in this mistake. I now know.  There is only one way. Jesus

I am such a broken person. So controlled and manipulated. How am I worthy? Why do you call me by name? Why do you bother knowing me? I am shattered pieces, why do you call me to be more?